Where do I even start to try to describe this? It’s been happening for a long time. Okay. Ever since I joined IIT Madras, there has been this unshakeable feeling of deep sadness. This was the college of my dreams for a long time. I didn’t understand why I was feeling that way. I thought maybe it was boredom. I tried to fill in with novel experiences. No matter what I throw at the void- knowledge, self-discovery, attachment, new friends, paradigm shifts, feelings of accomplishment, coffee, nothing makes it go away fully. I think I am finally confronting it without trying to understand it. I am standing in front of it. I used different things- romance, attachment, anxiety, career, family ties, new ideas- all domains I could obsess over to try and feel something, some kind of achievement, some purpose, some framework I could dabble in. All of them feel like distractions from the void, and they were. I am not saying I didn’t make progress or that these efforts were not worthwhile; these endeavours were fruitful. I think I thought that somehow if I looked away long enough, it would disappear, the void. It doesn’t grow, it doesn’t itch, I say that it comes and goes, not because it actually leaves, but because I look away for a bit. I am describing it. I don’t know how much of it I can understand; I am not attempting to at the moment. God, I even threw in the guitar and the joy of artistic creation into this. Great distractions, not cures. I'm wondering if I have to live with this forever. Is it a problem? Is it unaddressed trauma? Some scar from a long-forgotten childhood? Or is this life? Just how things are? Is it characteristic of my age, my generation, the socio-political condition of the world?
No one is at peace. Everyone keeps moving from one goal to the next. Do they also sense the void? Are they also running away, like me? I think I understand why people lean on religion. I wonder what pushes people. I think it is desire for sure- a desire to prove yourself, to feel more secure, to contribute, to be loved and respected, to be a part, to not be forgotten, to be affirmed. I think I am losing focus and my train of thought now; the sands are shifting. I think I will go back to my room now. I am mildly tired. The void feels seen, and soothed, for a bit. Another distraction?
